Emotional dependence

Emotional dependence is a enormous need for affection from others, whether in a family, romantic, professional or friendly relationship. At the slightest quarrel or disagreement, the dependent person imagines that he or she will be abandoned. If you are emotionally dependent, this dependence puts you in great suffering as well as those around you from whom you have a significant emotional demand. Indeed, the emotional signs that those around you send you constantly seem insufficient. You want to make sure that this person loves you, so you risk even going so far as to try to take control of the other's life.

Your relationship with others is governed by the idea of ​​being reassured about your capacity to be loved, and an important need to be reassured about the feelings that the other may have for you. So you're particularly anxious if you send a message to your partner and they don't respond right away. This then creates a great imbalance between your relationship with yourself and that with the other. The other has more value than yourself, and it is impossible for you to live without them. You put the other on a pedestal, and you think that this person is essential to your life. You consider your loved ones, whether it is your family, your lover(s) or one of your friends like your God who is in control of your life. As a result, the other is the one who will also have control over our emotional states and who will determine them. For example, if you said "no" to someone you love, you will feel sad or angry with yourself. You therefore avoid feeling this way by very often accepting the requests of those around you.

What is a healthy emotional relationship?

While we tend to think that women are more sensitive to this emotional dependence, in reality, it affects both men and women. But emotional dependence is, in fact, considered a pathology like all dependencies. Indeed, emotional dependence puts you in a psychological incapacity to imagine being able to live without the other being present, without them giving you their agreement or expressing their judgment to you. You need to know that the other person appreciates you and that you do things according to what they would like. All this causes you great psychological pain, which can go as far as physical suffering.

Emotional dependence and fear of abandonment are often closely linked. Indeed, a person with a fear of abandonment will have a greater risk of developing emotional dependence. When we are afraid of being abandoned, we will ask the other to prove their love for us, which tires the other who no longer wishes to change all their behavior to meet your needs. You then lose the other, and this reinforces your fear, and thus, your emotional dependence. This is then the entry into this vicious circle.

According to health professionals, and classifications of pathologies such as the DSM-5, emotional dependence is considered a pathology falling into the category of personality disorders such as dependent personality. This cannot be diagnosed until adulthood. When the adult manifests an impossibility of making decisions in their daily life, has difficulty assuming responsibilities, has difficulty in engaging alone in an activity, has a great need for support and recognition, feels incapable of living alone, and has great worry at the idea of being alone, are so many signs that there is a risk that she is suffering from emotional dependence.

Everyone experiences their emotional dependence in a unique and very personal way. On the other hand, we often find similar symptoms.

Difficulties of managing a separation

You experience separation situations particularly badly (breakup in love or friendship, death, estrangement). Indeed, you feel impossible to live without this relationship that you knew. The other is for you this person who can support you, who can love you, who is a pillar in your life. Seeing this person move away from your life is heartbreaking and can be experienced as a failure, or even as an impossibility to continue.

Unbearable loneliness

Staying alone is extremely difficult for you. Whether this loneliness is occasional or in the longer term it impacts you. This quickly causes significant anxiety for you, significant stress and complicated falling asleep or even difficulty sleeping. This anxiety can manifest itself through thoughts or even through physical manifestations. These manifestations can be diverse such as crying attacks, a feeling of oppression, tremors, hot flashes etc. Furthermore, you sometimes even turn unconsciously, or not, towards people who are having difficulties in their lives. In this way, you feel able to help him, sometimes even going so far as to have savior syndrome.

In constant search of proof of love

You constantly doubt the love you can receive from others. You feel like the other person cannot love you unconditionally and forever. So you are always looking for proofs of love that people can give you. When the other shows you proofs of love, you have difficulty seeing them, you always ask for more, either in quantity or in action. This love that this person has for you makes you doubt so much that you are particularly jealous, you always suspect this person of infidelity, you watch him (her) a lot, you have the impression of finding clues that go against the love he (she) could have for you everywhere. For this, you ask the other to be completely available for you. That he (she) answers every call, that he (she) responds immediately to every message, that he (she) does not do any activity without you, that he (she) can see you whenever you have free time, etc. As soon as the other person is not immediately available, you become anxious. You feel bad, you worry, you want to cry, you create many stories about him/her.

Continuous occupation

In order to avoid thinking about all these anxieties and all these stories that you may have had, and to avoid always waiting for the other, you take care a lot. You never leave yourself any free time. When you're busy all the time, you don't think about what the other person might be doing, and so you manage your anxieties that way. But as soon as you finish the activity, your first action is to pick up your phone to contact this person dear to you.

Complicated decision-making

Since you always need the other to move forward and since you consider them to be the person to whom you owe everything, you find it difficult not to ask his opinion when you have to make a decision. It seems impossible for you to make decisions alone. and you always make sure that the decision that you take there is no risk of disappointing the person on whom you depend emotionally. The very idea that you could disappointing makes you sick. Sometimes you even tend to lose yourself in your ideas or in your preferences for bend to what the other person thinks or likes.

Still in a relationship

For this, it becomes very complicated or even impossible for you not to be in a romantic relationship. Indeed, your self-esteem is so low that it is unbearable to be alone with yourself. You are anxious, and you need to be reassured on your ability to please. You are sometimes so afraid of losing the person you are in a relationship with that you subject yourself to to emotional blackmail. You can provoke this emotional blackmail, by reminding him/her that you cannot live without this person, by threatening to harm you or even end your life, etc. In the same way, you may also be more likely to suffer emotional blackmail from the other. In fact, the other thinks you are acquired and he will not hesitate to use it. This can sometimes go as far as you came across toxic people, even narcissistic personalities who manipulate you.

Please note that it is important to distinguish between love and addiction when you are in a relationship. Whatever the reason, never accept psychological or physical violence. As a reminder, if you receive blows, call immediately 3919, accessible 24 hours a day. The people at your service will guide you through the steps to follow and who can help you get out of this situation.

Impulsivity

A perfectionist relationship

No relationship is perfect. Yet when you see the couples around you, you feel like they are. You are therefore afraid of not measuring up to the person who shares your life, and seek at all costs to be the best person possible for him (her). So you are a perfectionist in this relationship. You do everything that seems expected to you, even if it means losing who you really are to be sure not to displease this person you love. However, you cannot be perfect all your life. You burn out and end up losing yourself being someone you're not. The person you love therefore does not love you for who you are but for the person you pretend to be. It is therefore difficult, if not impossible, to maintain these "perfect" behaviors in the long term, but also the feelings associated with them. By being so afraid of losing the relationship, and seeking so hard for perfection, you end up favoring short-term relationships.

Lack of confidence and self-esteem

When a person is emotionally dependent, it is common that they also suffer from a great lack of confidence in themselves. This therefore impacts all dimensions of your life: relational, emotional, professional, personal, etc. This lack of self-confidence pushes you to step aside to give room to others, and to put forward their personality and their ideas rather than yours. You are truly willing to lose who you are and what is important to you if it will ensure you keep the other person in your life. As we were able to discuss above, sometimes you even accept the unacceptable and attract violent people (psychologically or physically), people who can humiliate you, harass you, hurt you, etc. Remember however that there is one thing to be clear with yourself about, automatically say STOP to the relationship when it is harmful and toxic for you. Don't make excuses from a person who hurts you.

Isolation

This emotional dependence can also have the completely opposite effect on the people around you. You try to do everything to avoid losing the person(s) you love, and want to avoid loneliness at all costs. However, the people around you always end up being exhausted from having to respond to your requests for affection, to your proofs of love that you know are insatiable. This causes physical and psychological fatigue in the other person. From then on, these people end up taking their distance and leaving. You are therefore left behind by others, and you are finally isolated. What you fear most is coming. You therefore enter a vicious circle, where you are so afraid of losing the other that you always ask for more. You even start to have difficulty trusting and attaching to people for fear that they will leave too.

In search of constant approval

Diseases

The anxiety and stress episodes linked to this emotional dependence, and all the intrusive thoughts you have because of them, can cause many other difficulties in your health. You may suffer from sleep problems, mood, difficulty concentrating, increased heart and breathing rate etc. This can therefore go so far as to cause cardiac pathologies such as a stroke for example.

Other mental pathologies

Beyond physical pathologies, emotional dependence can also develop or aggravate other mental pathologies. Indeed, emotional dependence tends to increase the risk of depression. You may also develop many anxieties, phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, and many other anxiety disorders. It may also develop some form of bipolarity. These cognitive distortions as well as these anxieties can sometimes lead to suicidal thoughts, or to acts of suicide.

When you suffer from emotional dependence, it is also possible that your sensitivity (or even your hypersensitivity) makes you more vulnerable to addictions, whatever they may be, behavioral (workaholism, bigorexia, eating disorders, sexual) or with substances (alcohol, drugs, tobacco, etc.). These addictive behaviors can go so far as to lead to overdoses.

There is no clear and defined cause of emotional dependence. This disorder may be multifactorial. On the other hand, people who are hypersensitive, shy, introverted often tend to be prone to this disorder.

Regardless, it is noted that people with emotional dependence are affected mainly because they have (had) a vulnerable attachment bond. Indeed, when you were a child, you may have lacked love, or evidence of love. It is possible that your emotional needs were not met, and that the love you received from your parental figure was conditional. Around the age of 1, many emotional needs must take root. These needs can be valorization, appreciation, acceptance, listening, the possibility of expressing oneself, recognition, esteem, consideration, security, stability, trust, sharing etc. At this age, the child needs to see that his mother figure is close to him. If the child does not see an answer to this, he will be blocked in developing his autonomy, will have difficulty having strong self-esteem, and will feel present in an insecure environment. In adulthood, these behaviors become anchored, and these feelings felt in childhood will resurface and register.

As the child will not have felt this within his family, he will try to meet his needs outside of himself, rather than within himself. You must then look for these signs of recognition, love, security, consideration elsewhere. Each time, you risk ending up self-sabotaging because you lose confidence in the sincerity of the other, and you enter a vicious circle of devaluation, lack of self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, low emotional intelligence...

Beyond the child you were, it is also possible that you suffered trauma linked to affect (mourning, painful separation, accident, etc.), which led you to have a particularly strong need for others.

In friendly or romantic relationships, emotional dependence often results in a great need for exclusivity, leading to strong jealousy (monitoring calls, text messages, social networks, friends, etc.). There is then always a form of competition between you and the other people who are in the person's entourage who are with the person you love. With this in mind, you then need constant proof of friendship and love through attention, actions, words of this bond that unites you. However, what these people do for you always seems insufficient. You think it’s either to silence your request or because you asked for it. But you still still doubt the emotional sincerity of the action of the person in front of you. The other has a central place for you. You rely heavily on others in everything you do. You don't trust yourself, and you look for this confidence in others that you don't have. The approval of others is particularly important, and their judgment as well. You must always make sure that you have been appreciated by others, and this particularly worries you. You rarely go out if you are not prepared, when you have to speak in public, it worries you a lot because you have to be perfect. You may even end up exhibiting glossophobia. Through others, you seek this recognition and this comfort from others that you have not always had. You therefore sometimes come to forget your own needs, and you live through those of others. However, you do not start anything by yourself, you always wait until there is someone with you to start an activity (sporting, manual, professional activity, etc.). You don't feel able to face the group alone, and you are afraid that no one will like you in this activity. Finally, you want so much to be accepted by others, that is because you are ready to accept everything. You therefore seek to always respond favorably to the requests made to you, even if it means losing yourself or your values. You avoid all conflicts at all costs, and try always to agree with others. You sometimes manage to avoid giving your opinion, or bending your opinion to those of others.

It is very important not to let this emotional dependence dictate your life even more. For this, you must can, as soon as possible, discuss it with a health professional (psychiatrist or psychologist…). These healthcare professionals can help you learn to live with yourself without always needing the other. They will be able to accompany you so that you no longer wait for the other to soothe your suffering, but that you can count on yourself. Don’t wait any longer for the other to ease your suffering. Get help from a health professional.

For this, the Cognitive-Behavioral Therapies are particularly effective. During these therapies, you will understand your relationship with others, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, the management of your emotions (with the system AWARE for example). You will be able to learn to have a functional behavior regarding your relationship with others, as well as working on your automatic thoughts linked to abandonment and this dependence.

Cognitive-behavioral therapies include: Virtual Reality Exposure Therapies. These therapies and through different virtuo situations, you will be led to think about focus on yourself (by breathing through the cardiac coherence  for example), or about the activity you are doing. You will be able to refocus on your own emotions, and on your own sensations, and no longer absorb those of others.

Furthermore, to go further in this therapy, expose yourself to this loneliness. Force yourself to do an activity alone, and take the time to appreciate it and discover its benefits. 

To move forward as best you can, and to work on this disorder, it is important to become aware of this emotional lack, and of this dependence. This is already an essential first step. When you are in a difficult situation for yourself, assess the intensity of your lack, highlighting emotions and needs which are linked to it. Realize that this sensation is linked to an unmet need, and try to highlight and understand this need. Find alternatives that will allow you to answer them. It is important that you can highlight, within yourself, your needs, and not those of others.

It is also important to do relaxation exercises. Relaxation allows you tobecome aware of your body, and to be able to concentrate on yourself and more on the other. You can also turn to sophrology, which allows you to consider all the sensations in your body. Additionally, mindfulness meditation makes you pay special attention to the here and now of your body and thoughts. When you do this, ask where you are, how you feel, what you can sense, focus on observing your body internally, in a calm and objective way. 

 Additionally, keep in mind one of the Toltec agreements, which is to learn to do the same for yourself. Don't try to do too much, and without doing as little as possible. Make a list of the things you know how to do, the things that have made you proud, your talents... You will see that you are capable of doing many more things than you think, and that you are capable of doing it well (and alone).

Finally, you can follow the following little tip if you feel that it is becoming difficult for you to manage your emotions because of this emotional dependence. You must be able to find a new relationship that is unique to you with your emotions and feelings. It is important to put “the other person’s fault” aside and see your relationship with yourself. To do this, write an “angry letter” to the person who is being blamed for things. The idea is not to send it at all, quite the contrary, but to leave on paper what you feel at the moment. You will therefore be able to see that what you have written concerns you more than the other person. This awareness will be beneficial to you and will reduce your worry in situations of loneliness.