Assertive communication

Assertive communication is a social skill which is expressed during a conversation with one or more other people and which aims to express one's emotions, thoughts and ideas in an authentic and direct manner while respecting and truly taking into account those of others.

This last point is central because assertive communication involves fully verbalizing one's needs and opinions but never to the detriment of those of others. It is a point of balance to find which constitutes the basis of any healthy relationship and must allow each of the interlocutors to feel listened to, treated in a respectable, fair manner, under no pretext attacked and, if ever this were to be the case (often the result of misunderstandings which can arise even when one resorts to assertive communication), able to express possible discomfort as well as to be able to express one's refusal to a request.

Assertive communication is part of the broader perspective of assertiveness, which is a behavioral mode of relating to others, i.e. a set of behaviors (including assertive communication) whose goal is to develop healthy, balanced and fulfilling relationships with the people we work with. To best represent assertiveness, we most often use the image of relational balance. Indeed, assertiveness is characterized by the establishment of a relationship where the other and ourselves benefit from the same consideration, where the needs of each are taken into account and put on the same level, treated with the same importance. In other words, the other weighs the same as us in the relationship without either feeling wronged or neglected.

Be careful, however, contrary to certain preconceived ideas, assertiveness like assertive communication are neither innate nor spontaneous. It is not a personality type or an intrinsic quality that one may or may not have. It is an individual choice, a particular approach to interpersonal relationships which gives rise to the establishment of specific social skills and which must still be implemented in interaction situations ultimately. We are therefore not talking about an "assertive person" but rather "assertive behaviors" which are learned and can be mobilized or not in different interaction situations. The same person may very well communicate assertively in a specific setting and not do so in others.

The will of the individual therefore remains central. The latter depends, on the one hand, on personality, aptitudes and representations regarding human relationships which tend to favor one type of communication rather than another. It is also necessary to take into account the emotional state in which the individual is before, during and even after the interaction. Indeed, emotions are at the heart of the communication process. The presence of others is at the origin of various positive and negative emotions and this is the reason why it can sometimes be difficult to communicate peacefully.

Making a request, giving your opinion, bringing up a situation that you don't like in order to change things, expressing a refusal or opposition to a decision, receiving compliments as well as giving them are examples of daily interactions which can nevertheless be experienced quite badly. The reason for such a phenomenon? It comes from the anticipation of a conflict or at least the contradiction of the opinion expressed and the associated emotional reactions. Communicating means that we have one or more other people facing us and who can then act as real obstacles to obtaining what we want. Conversely, we can perceive ourselves as the obstacle to the desires of others. To a certain extent, to communicate is to expose oneself and others to frustration, incomprehension, violence, etc. In short, communication situations can be seen as a form of arena or confrontation.

The anticipation of this conflict and the negative outcomes that we tend to imagine often lead people to adopt dysfunctional communication attitudes.

Inhibition

It is a mode of communication which is characterized by great passivity in human relationships. It is the incapacity, in an interaction, to express one's emotions and give one's opinion from the moment there is a possibility, even slight, of entering into contradiction with one's interlocutor. In this case, the individual prefers to self-censorship out of fear of conflict and the disastrous, often disproportionate consequences that he imagines. It is therefore a real excess of anxiety which prevents one from finding words, alters the tone of voice, posture as well as everything that we generally associate with non-verbal language. This functioning is dysfunctional in essence because it generates great suffering in the individual. Their needs are not respected, systematically come after those of others and the repetition of this type of situation negatively impacts self-esteem.

Aggression

This is the behavior diametrically opposed to that of inhibition. If inhibited communication generally consists of preventing oneself from expressing oneself, aggressive communication aims to impose on the other what one wants by force or deception. In this mode of communication, the individual does not care about the consequences for the interlocutor and expresses his emotions in a violent or concealed manner for the purposes of manipulation. He does not take into account the feelings of others or their needs as long as his own are satisfied. This is again a dysfunctional functioning because communicating aggressively generates strong resentment in the other person, thus deeply and quickly degrading relationships. While aggressive communication may occasionally achieve one's goals, it ultimately leads to social isolation and therefore harms well-being and quality of life.

Often considered and feared for its possibly negative relational consequences, conflict is nevertheless a necessary part of almost any prolonged social relationship. After all, it only designates the more or less marked opposition between two points of view, which is a fairly common case between two people.

Furthermore, although at first glance the opinions may seem incompatible or even irreconcilable, the benefits of resolving a conflict largely outweigh its possible momentary negative effects. Indeed, it is an opportunity to understand each other better and to improve relationship dynamics for the future. But to achieve this, we must succeed in establishing an authentic dialogue capable of bringing out solutions that we could not have imagined alone. A true dialogue is not just a succession of interventions which invariably persist in the same direction. On the contrary, it is an exchange which must allow decentering, that is to say a certain step back from one's own opinion in order to be able to consider things from another angle (often the point of view of the interlocutor but not only) without betraying what one feels.

Through this process, our initial point of view is enriched with the discourse of others (and reciprocally that of others with ours) which strongly maximizes the chances of leading to a truly satisfactory outcome for everyone. The effective, sincere and direct expression of what we think, want and feel is then the best way to achieve such results.

First of all, assertive communication is a skill that is acquired by practicing in real interaction situations. There is no ready-made formula to use systematically. You must mobilize your empathy to hear and understand the emotion of the interlocutor, to listen to your own feelings in order to be able to put them into words while respecting the other as well as yourself. It's not instinctive, but a few central principles can help anyone who wants to improve their communication.

Plan communication

The idea here is not to remove all spontaneity from what you say but rather to be aware that depending on the circumstances, a message can be perceived differently. In the same way that you will be more or less willing to hear certain things depending on the time of day and your activity level, for example, your interlocutor may be more or less receptive to what you are trying to tell them. It is therefore important to take this aspect into account, especially if you are preparing to make a request which could prove costly in their eyes. In this case, you can question him so that he can tell you when would be the best time for him to discuss this subject that is important to you.

Describe and explain the problematic situation

Here again, we are not asking you to carry out a rigorous analysis of what you are experiencing. However, so that your interlocutor can understand you, it is important to proceed in stages, to advance gradually in your story. For example, you can start by talking about the facts, objective elements in the most neutral way possible.
Above all, we must succeed in distinguishing them from any interpretation and any judgment, even if this can be very complex. Then, you can explain what you understood about his position or his actions, always specifying that this is indeed your perspective which is not a general truth. The last step is to talk about the consequences of the situation that is causing you problems.

This is really the time to express your emotions, your difficulties without taking an accusatory posture. On the contrary, it is necessary to keep in mind that you may not be the only one suffering from the situation and that the perception of your interlocutor could be completely different. Showing empathy, balancing the negative with positive messages, thanking the other for listening can really facilitate the exchange and increase the chances of resolution.

Explicitly formulate your need

Finally, to complete the process, your speech must lead to a specific request or proposal. Assertiveness involves taking responsibility for your emotions, needs and ideas in an authentic, direct and respectful way. Uncertainties about your position must be dispelled by a clear request, allowing your interlocutor to respond favorably or not.

Knowing how to communicate is an essential skill for everyone due to the very significant impact that communication can have on the quality of relationships with others, in all areas of life. Communicating well strongly influences, for example, the proximity that we can have with those around us or the relationships at work and therefore professional development. But not everyone is comfortable with communication, far from it! The widespread false beliefs according to which some people are naturally gifted at communicating and others are not, generally encourage people to adopt coping strategies that correspond to more or less serious forms of avoidance.

The anxieties associated with interaction situations are then reinforced, which can promote the long-term development of anxiety disorders such as social phobia or school phobia for the youngest, or even mood disorders. More broadly, in people suffering from anxiety disorders or addiction, we often find a lack of assertiveness which contributes to the maintenance of the disorder. It is for this reason that cognitive-behavioral therapies (CBT) are today an extremely proven therapeutic method for working effectively onassertiveness.

Managing emotions

Emotions and particularly certain anxieties are at the center of communication. The CBT allows us to work on this aspect by focusing on these disaster thoughts within the framework of cognitive restructuring, which consists of resuming the maladaptive thought patterns of the individual. On the other hand, the therapist teaches him tools to help him manage his anxiety such as relaxation via breathing exercises or the AWARE system. The objective is to allow people to find a form of serenity in interaction situations and for emotions to no longer overwhelm them.

Behavioral role play

The other main axis of CBT support for assertiveness is exposure. However, this is a special exposure because we are talking about behavioral role play. Most often carried out in groups, these are the most realistic stagings possible which take up problematic everyday situations because with one or more interactions which undermine the subject. The goal is therefore, initially, to guide him in the application of the principles of assertive communication. Then, we gradually increase the difficulty of the scenarios in order to ensure the acquisition of communication skills in all situations.

The themes of the workshops can therefore be very varied. They mainly concern:

• Make a request (defend yourself; demand something);
• Refuse ;
• Express criticism or express negative emotion;
• Receive criticism (justified, unjustified, vague);
• Manage aggression and anger (your own and that of others);
• Manage conflicts;
• Speak in public.

Virtual reality and more particularly VRET (Virtual Reality Exposure Therapy) are part of the direct lineage of CBT. We can therefore carry out the same therapeutic work with the notable difference that the use of virtual reality makes it possible to completely immerse the patient in an environment completely recreated by computer, which will provoke the same anxious reactions in the individual as in life. Therefore, VRET are particularly effective in the development of emotion management techniques. They also have the practical advantage of not having to mobilize other people for the staging.

They therefore also facilitate repetition and therefore habituation to interaction situations, which also contributes to a lasting reduction in the emotional discomfort felt. However, interactions in virtual reality are a less natural setting than in behavioral role-playing games. The group also offers more possibilities for different interactions. Consequently, combining VRET and behavioral role-playing could constitute a particularly interesting and relevant therapeutic support modality.