Parental burnout

First, let's start with a number:

5% of parents suffer from parental burnout (at least according to the figures, let's not forget that the latter are often below the real figure).

Parental burnout is a relatively recent phenomenon that describes exhaustion and extreme stress that parents can feel when caring for their children. This can manifest as chronic fatigue, irritability, anxiety and depression, and can have serious consequences for the mental and physical health of parents, as well as family dynamics.

Beware of preconceived ideas!

• Contrary to what one might think, parental burnout does not occur only with very young children, far from it. It's not just parents with young children. Burnout can occur with a child of any age.
• No, there are not more women who suffer from it, but there are the same number of men and women who suffer from parental burnout

Among the symptoms found in family burnout, there are:

– moral, emotional and physical exhaustion due to the role of parent.
Exhaustion that cannot be relieved by rest alone.

– reduced fulfillment in their role as a parent.
You feel like you're a bad parent.

– gradual distancing from children.
The parent will act like one by being on autopilot.
There is therefore less affect

The idealized family:

Perfection. From society, pressure or even the fear of judgment from others, parents will want to make sure that everything is perfect. By forgetting or putting aside the fact that perfection does not exist.

Overinvestment:

This phase goes hand in hand with the idealization phase. In fact, the parent will overinvest in the relationship, in the education of their child in order to get as close as possible to their ideal. This over-investment leads the parent to a feeling of being indispensable, which can be pleasant, but which further intensifies the vicious circle of involvement. Indeed, if we are essential, we cannot delegate tasks, everything depends on us...

It is not uncommon for the second parent to notice their spouse's overinvestment. Despite all their efforts, very often the starting parent has experienced burnout, leaving little room for the second parent, despite all their efforts

Self-sacrifice:

The parent will identify themselves only as a father or a mother. The parent begins more and more to forget himself, to sacrifice himself and to no longer listen to his needs.

Frustration:

Any parent can feel frustrated. However, if the latter lasts over time, it contributes to the development of burn out.

This frustration comes from different sources. The parent begins to have the impression of not succeeding in achieving their ideal, lack of recognition from their spouse or even becoming aware of everything the person is giving up for their investment in their child(ren).

Loss of energy:

The parent begins to become exhausted, to lack energy. This parent will begin to experience “a sluggishness”. It can begin to make them more irritable, less patient, to develop depressive symptoms... Despite all this, if the parent continues on the path they have taken until now, they tip over to the side of burnout.

These phases will not be experienced in the same way among people who have developed parental burnout. The phases will not necessarily appear in this order or will not all be present. Some parents will have a particular phase that is much more developed than others... But their descriptions can be indicators of altering the development of parental burnout.

• Postpartum depression happens after childbirth and comes from a difficult transition to parenthood. Postpartum depression occurs within 12 months of birth.
• Parental burnout can happen either quickly after childbirth or when the children are older. They are not linked to a transition difficulty, but more to exhaustion linked to the role of parent.

The consequences of burnout can be found among different actors: 

The parent concerned:

In parental burnout, we find symptoms and consequences similar to burnout or depression. Thus, the suffering parent will have much more difficulty managing their anger, their irritability, they may develop addictions, sleep problems, even suicidal risks.

The spouse:

 The spouse must compensate for the disinvestment of the parent suffering from parental burnout. Thus, the latter can find themselves with such a heavy parental burden that they can also become exhausted. Parental burnout of at least one of the two parents promotes marital conflicts 

The child(ren):

Parental burnout will also have an impact on the child(ren). Indeed, the latter may suffer from physical, verbal violence or neglect.

Solutions exist to overcome parental burnout. 

Often in the context of professional burnout, one of the solutions can be to leave the company. But what to do in the event of parental burnout? So no, we are not going to suggest that you leave your children. Other less… radical solutions exist. 

Talk to your partner about it

Maybe you've already brought it up with him/her or maybe not at all. However, this step is important and is one of the first to be carried out. Indeed, how can a person help if they are not fully aware of what the other person feels and may be experiencing? 

But for that, we still need to talk about it. 

Your spouse will be able to accompany you and support you emotionally, but he is also the co-parent who can help you rebalance the tasks. 

Giving up on being the perfect parent

As seen previously, it’s one of the biggest triggers of parental burnout : perfection.

Above all, it is important to learn how to let go. 

“Choose your battles”

We cannot be on all fronts at once. The pursuit of perfection is a goal that cannot be achieved but can be achieved by you. 

Internet, social networks, book editions... these can be very practical but can also maintain the illusion of perfection. 

Detach yourself from that a little, take what suits you and let go of what doesn't suit you or increases your anxiety. Are you opting for a positive education? This does not mean that you are obliged to follow what is said to the letter. Do what you can, as you can, with the means you have. 

Take time for yourself

It seems impossible when you are looking for the perfect. Once you learn to let go, you will recover time for your family but also for yourself. 

He is fundamental to have time for yourself. To do this, choose activities you enjoy like reading a book, doing sports… 

Even a few minutes a day, that allows you to recharge your batteries.

Rest

This seems logical, but the sleep is the driving force of our days and is important for the maintaining our mental and physical health.
If children sleep through the night, it can be helpful to always go to bed and get up around the same times.
If the children do not yet sleep through the night and this continues, there are professionals who can support you and guide you to promote your children's sleep.

Plan a routine

To have time for yourself, the rest of the day must be organized. 

For this, create an effective routine and which will allow you to make time for YOU (for you and not for the house!) 

Finding a life as a couple

Very often, with parental burnout we notice a reduction in life as a couple. 

Ask for help from family or loved ones to look after the child(ren) from time to time.

Enjoy this evening with your partner!

You can take the opportunity to go to the cinema, to a restaurant, go bowling… 

Ask for outside help – Talk to a professional

Unhappiness is a vicious circle that tends to plunge us even deeper into our unhappiness. This is why it is important to talk to a professional. This professional will be able to help you understand and find solutions. This professional can help you get out of this vicious circle.

CBT (Cognitive-behavioral therapy) can in particular allow you to learn techniques to manage the stress, anxiety… and to work on the dysfunctional thoughts that inhabit the parent with parental burnout.

The therapist helps the parent to understand the vicious circle that promotes burnout and what maintains it. From there, concrete solutions can be thought about and brought about in order to reduce exhaustion and regain well-being.