Gaslighting

gaslighting (which could be translated as mental fog, or cognitive diversion in Quebec) is a technique of manipulation and of abuse mental which consists of distorting information and situations as well as to doubt the victim's voice to reverse the abuser/victim roles and encourage future abuse.

The name of this practice comes from the play Gas Light in which a husband tries to make his wife believe that she is imagining changes in their gas lighting (gas light). at night while he is responsible, trying to hide his true actions.

This practice is anchored in the repetition of a relational diagram, it is not an isolated instance.

The dynamics are very asymmetrical, with on one side a constantly listening partner on the other, and who gives more credit to the words of the other than to his own perceptions, and on the other, a partner constantly in the negation of the other's perception, and in the reduction of their emotional experience and their capacities.

From a gaslighting interaction, a partner emerges grown and winner and the other spring diminished.

Gaslighting can take several forms, but we can find several common behaviors:

• exaggerate the complexity of a situation to confuse the other ("It's more complicated than that, you wouldn't understand.")
• simplify a more complex situation so that the victim feels weak and helpless (“If you’re not happy, just leave, I’m not holding you back, the door is open.”)
• pretend not understanding the victim (“I don’t understand what you’re saying, it’s nonsense.”, “I don’t understand what I did wrong”)
• question, often vehemently, memories of the victim, even when they are correct (“I never said that, you are wrong/you are lying.”)
• make believe to the victim that his needs and emotions are trivial or too important for it to be able to get out alone. (“You’re exaggerating,” “You’re too touchy,” “You’re too fragile”)
• pretend to forget how things happened, or denying that they really happened or happened that way.
• use insults and the verbal abuse, most often hidden under covered humor.
• blame the problem on the victim rather than on the aggressor ("I'm sorry you're going through it like this [following an action by the abuser]", "The problem is you, not others. ")

In summary, the abuser will diminish the importance of the victim's emotional experience, make her doubt her own perceptions, shut down the conversation when the victim tries to be heard, and shift all responsibility onto the victim.

Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that is established over time, gradually undermining the victim's mental defenses, and gaining in effectiveness over time.

This practice is rarely seen alone and often serves to facilitate further abuse and maintain a dominant/dominated relationship.

By hearing his words and his perception questioned, the victim of gaslighting ends up doubting himself, his memories and his actions. It can also be accompanied by the feeling of going crazy.

The victim of gaslighting little by little loses self-confidence, because their words are constantly questioned, and the expression of their personal experience is denied.

She dares less and less to express what she feels or her vision of things, because the reactions of the abuser can be extreme or violent, most often on a psychological level.

By seeing the abuse denied or normalized by the abuser (and sometimes those around him), the victim ends up thinking that the situation is normal, which leads to not seeking help when it is necessary.

In most cases, in the long term, the victim's defense mechanisms have been deactivated by the accumulation of abuse. Learned helplessness prevents the victim from fighting or fleeing, convinced that it is useless, that they will not succeed or that it will be worse if they try to escape.

In certain cases, which are rarer today, gaslighting could go as far as the internment of the victim in a psychiatric institution.

You must be particularly vigilant when treating a victim of gaslighting, because their perception of reality is extremely fragile. Even in the absence of the abuser, the victim will question his experiences, his emotions, his experiences. You have to be careful not to reinforce gaslighting by accident.

We can start by asking the victim to recount the facts, as they remember them, with emphasis on their story and their experiences, regardless of what others may have subsequently said. If the victim expresses their feelings, it is important to validate them, to normalize them.

We will then work on the balance between trust in one's own words and trust in the words of others. We can, for example, base ourselves on events where the attacker is absent, and see if the victim also doubts his or her experience in those moments.

It is important to remember that human memory is fallible, especially in times of stress. It is normal to not remember every detail perfectly. However, the feeling of events as a whole is much less altered. Working with a gaslighting victim can be very long. It’s about deconstructing an altered vision of reality to regain confidence in one’s experience. It is important that the victim is no longer in contact with the abuser, who risks redoubled his efforts when he senses his victim is escaping.

In all cases, if you suspect that someone is the victim of violence and abuse, the priority is to intervene to protect the person, before starting any therapeutic approach.

In an emergency, call 17.