assertiveness: how to receive criticism and react to mockery?

Social phobics, but also many other of your patients, are probably sensitive to criticism and can therefore be easily hurt by it. Fortunately, like communication in general, there are techniques for knowing how to properly receive criticism or how to formulate one. This is what we are going to see today.

There are three types of criticism that your patient will receive:

• justified criticism
• unjustified criticism
• vague criticism

Listen to the review

What is important when your patient is criticized is that he takes the time to listen to the criticism, just as in managing the conflict, that he asks himself: "But what exactly am I being criticized for? What is the exact problem? Am I being criticized for being late? For doing my homework poorly? For not being serious? For not turning in my work on time?"

The patient must really take the time to listen to what the criticism is about. Then, you will need to apply the same techniques that you can find in chapters 1, 2 and 3 of assertiveness. Even if your patient is sensitive and feels carried away by his emotions, he will have to accept in particular the chapter on managing emotions. It must, in fact, decenter itself. It is not his personality that the criticism is aimed at, it is simply his actions. Your patient must take the time to let the emotions pass and then, only afterward, resolve the conflict that is linked to the criticism. Personal interpretations should not be made. Your patient must remain focused on the subject of the criticism.

Same principle and same rules in his response to criticism. That is to say, not to be aggressive, to try not to be defensive but, on the contrary, to simply say what he thinks and what he feels as clearly as possible.

So, the first thing to do is to listen carefully to the criticism. If the criticism is justified, you must recognize your error and not justify yourself to avoid a conflict. Admitting your faults when criticism is justified allows you to avoid 99% of conflicts. Once your patient demonstrates active listening, he can apply Dr. Malbos' many techniques.

First technique: Specify your position

Your patient will need to clearly clarify his position: "I think you are right, it's true that I should be more careful to arrive on time. From now on, I will be more careful and I am more motivated."

Second technique: Make a revelation about yourself

The patient can, for example, admit that this criticism hurts him, that he is a little sad. Or, conversely, this emotion can be positive. The patient can share that he is glad his manager talked to him about this problem so they can now work better together.

Third technique: The broken record

In the case of a criticism that is too strong, that is to say too repeated, your patient can use "the broken record": "As I told you, it's true, I made a mistake, now I'm going to move forward and work to modify it."

Fourth technique: The negative investigation

Sometimes, your patient will find himself faced with an interlocutor who will give him a criticism but which is not the real criticism. Often this criticism hides something behind it and is not justified. Faced with this situation, we must carry out a negative investigation: "As I told you, I am going to work on this question but, I see that you are repeating it to me, that you are insisting. Is it by chance that there is not something else behind your criticism? Are you not accusing me of something else?"

At that moment, it gives the interlocutor time and the chance to express his real criticism which was hidden behind this facade criticism.

Fifth technique: End the review

Finally, your patient should always end his response to criticism warmly: "Thank you for raising this issue with me. It has been very helpful. I will now work on this issue."

This allows us to resolve the question of criticism well and without suffering from it.

Regarding the wave of criticism, it is simply enough to clarify the situation. For example, your patient can say to his interlocutor: "What exactly do you blame me for in this situation?". Vague criticism is easy to resolve, you just need to clarify it to determine whether it is, ultimately, a justified or unwarranted criticism. Once your gender is determined, all you have to do is adopt and apply Dr. Malbos' techniques.

Manipulation

What is also important to make clear to your patient is to be careful with handling. We often notice that social phobic patients are easily manipulated. For example, in a discussion concerning a move, the interlocutor will play on what the patient fears, that is to say losing his friendship if he does not help him.

Your patient must learn to recognize manipulation and must not play into the interlocutor's game. Always expressing his emotions: "It's true, I'm your friend, you're very important to me and yes, we've known each other for a long time but, I really can't help you move this Sunday. That said, if you leave some of the stuff on Monday, I can help you that day." Your patient must demonstrate clarity, self-disclosure and the search for compromise.

Detecting the manipulation made by the interlocutor (without always realizing it) is very important for your patient because this will allow him to provide an appropriate response.

How can a social phobic defend himself against mockery or insults?

Self-deprecation

The first and easiest thing to do is self-deprecation. Your patient must therefore repeat the insult from his interlocutor by exaggerating it. For example, if an interlocutor says to your patient "you look like a clown", your patient can respond: "Yes, that's precisely true, I am a clown. Yesterday, I was still working at the circus and it pays well. I will soon become very famous." The interlocutor then finds himself trapped. This is the simplest technique because you simply have to repeat what the interlocutor says, whatever the subject.

Practice with your patient on examples like “But your clothes are horrible and what is that handbag”, “You are completely stupid!”, “You are so weird, you are an alien”…etc.

Incongruity

Incongruity is the second technique that your patient can use when faced with teasing. It's about responding to a mockery using a response that has nothing to do with the mockery and the situation. If the interlocutor says to your patient "you look ridiculous in your clothes!", then your patient may respond: "Yes, I was walking along the quays yesterday, I saw the seagulls. It's still beautiful to see seagulls parading across the landscape." Here again the interlocutor will feel trapped. This "shift" technique can sometimes be very practical.

Reciprocity

This technique is much harder to apply because you still need to have a certain quick wit to respond quickly to an insult. It requires a little practice before it can be applied effectively.

This technique consists of finding a way to make fun of your interlocutor in return. Let’s go back to the “you look ridiculous in your clothes” example. The patient must carefully analyze the clothing look of his interlocutor. Once his style of clothing has been analyzed, let's admit that it is a bobo, your patient can, for example, respond: "Maybe I'm ridiculous, but at least I don't look like a bourgeois disguised as a tramp like you."

Reciprocity can be merged with self-deprecation to facilitate its application. For example, if the interlocutor says to your patient "you are stupid", your patient can respond: "Of course I am stupid, that's why I am in the same class as you."